Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize