I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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