paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize