I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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