I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
