that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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