He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
