Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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