bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You made out with two different species that night
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The air taste purple.
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