I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
