in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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