Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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