Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
