the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
