pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize