Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
