I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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