i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
