Tell her she can't have a vagina
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
