I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize