My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
