I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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