dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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