My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
