I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
