Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
