he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
