Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
