Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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