Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
