i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
