im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
