i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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