I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
