I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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