my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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