no you cant smoke seaweed
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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