I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
