I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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