you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
