Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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