Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
