this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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