Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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