Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize