dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
