I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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