Whats the glycemic index on semen?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i love accidental penises.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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