no, he came in my armpit
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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