I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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