Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
