i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
There are leaves in my underwear?
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