I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
