Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
