is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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