After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
