My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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