my mouth tastes like poor choices
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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