when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
