Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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