I want to stick my p in your. b.
I bet he comes in French.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Drunk is a universal language darling
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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